This scene contains a verbatim text conversation and a side conversation of mostly convulsive laughter on the phone. Multiple questions and answers were intermixed during the conversation, so some messages have been rearranged for clarity. Since this is a text conversation, imagine that it unfolds slowly and there is time for cry laughing.
Scene 3
Three sisters are chatting in text. The oldest, Karen, has a story to tell.
KAREN
So here’s an embarrassing story from yesterday! Get ready… So the kids and I have used the same dentist for 20 years. Our families met when Christopher was in Kinder. They sold the practice and it has changed 3 times but we still go there and the receptionist is still the same. So….
They of course are a business and use a landline. For years I’ve texted reminders to myself so I can quickly scroll through and read them. After a while I delete them.
Yesterday I got a call from the receptionist to tell me that random messages are coming through from me. They kept the same number but have changed their phone system from landline a couple of weeks ago.
I laughed and told her what I did. I told her not to worry about my HEB grocery list and updated flight info that they received.
Susan, one of the sisters, is confused and calls the other sister, Laurel.
SUSAN (to Laurel)
Are you following this? I don’t get it.
LAUREL (to Susan)
I was just about to call you! I have no idea what the list has to do with the dentist.
SUSAN (to Laurel)
Okay. (laughing).
LAUREL
So you accidentally texted them instead of yourself?
SUSAN
Yeah, I don’t get how texting yourself went to them???
KAREN
Yes, since I can’t text myself I always text to their landline. Been doing this for 10 years. I don’t know how to text myself.
Laurel and Susan laugh on the phone as they read this.
KAREN
So after the phone call I went and deleted these 5 or 6 things that I sent myself.
LAUREL
I still don’t understand why you text a landline? Just to have a saved message?
SUSAN
When I think about you I text myself..ohohoh
For some reason that popped into my head.
LAUREL
No popping of the head! (inside joke about brain health.)
KAREN
They were photos of my belly fat.
Laurel and Susan cannot contain themselves. They are howling with laughter, and possibly saying, “what the fuck?”
LAUREL
Oh god!
SUSAN
Oh god.
We typed the same thing!!!!!
LAUREL
Why do you take photos of belly fat?
KAREN
I would send it but it’s disgusting.
SUSAN
And who the hell are you sending belly fat photos to?
KAREN
Myself. Before and after pictures.
SUSAN
And the dentist!!!!!
At this point, Susan and Laurel can no longer speak coherently. They are laughing too hard to speak and only remain on the phone to share the experience.
KAREN
Yes!!!
LAUREL
It’s a new dating site.
KAREN
So if there is a way to text yourself I don’t know how to do it. I picked the dentist’s landline and have always used it
LAUREL
I just use the Notes app on my iPhone
KAREN
Yeah I should use notes from now on! I just got so used to texting to a landline and then I could look at the thread but know that they aren’t readable by anyone else.
Laurel and Susan are bursting in laughter at the irony of the last statement.
SUSAN
I have a running google doc that serves as my reminders and memory
KAREN
I started doing this before I knew notes existed. What is that?
LAUREL
I just texted myself. (sends screenshot)
Screenshot of my text to myself. It works.
KAREN
How do you text yourself?
SUSAN
I think I’ve texted myself before. Maybe it didn’t work 10 years ago? Lol.
Laurel and Susan are still engaged in side splitting laughter. Incomprehensible phrases that might be “my stomach hurts!” occasionally emit.
LAUREL
Just start a text by typing in your phone number
KAREN
I open contacts but when I search for my name it doesn’t come up. Oh geez! Now the receptionist thinks I’m really dumb! She’s older than me so maybe not!
LAUREL
I went to messages and clicked the plus sign and typed in my number.
KAREN
Oh fuck! That’s so easy!!
Anyway I attached a front view and side view with shirt pulled up to my bra and my underwear and dated it June 1st. Then I did the same thing on June 30th. It was easier to see them side by side instead of scrolling through photos to compare!!! I deleted them after a few days so after her phone call I only saw the reminders. It wasn’t till last night that I remembered the photos!!! Luckily it didn’t show my face but still!!!
KAREN
Sooo awful!!!
(Redacted photo of belly fat side views.)
Okay I just scribbled on my fat so you don’t have to look at it but they saw this photo!
(Bitmoji showing Karen in horror.)
LAUREL
Omg
SUSAN
You know they have weight loss apps for that!!! 🤣
(Redacted photo of belly fat frontal views.)
KAREN
Front view. It (the scribbling) looks like pubes!!! These were the before pictures by the way!!!
Yeah, I use MyFitnessPal and it’s set on private but I’ve been too paranoid that somehow people will see them.
Susan and Laurel explode in laughter, both crying at this point.
KAREN
I only want the dentist to see them!!! 🤣
LAUREL
I’m crying!!!
KAREN
Soooo stupid and looking at the photos is making me laugh so hard!!!
SUSAN
Do you know if they know it’s you? Like…does the new dentist know you or just think you are some creepy stranger???
KAREN
They know me now!!! Elaine the receptionist has known me for 20 years! The dentist is new.
SUSAN
That’s right! You said that!
LAUREL
I think we now know why the practice was sold and there have been numerous changes. Maybe they got the texts all along and the selfies pushed Elaine over the edge!
KAREN
Omg!!! That would have been awful!
(Belly Fat Bitmoji)
SUSAN
Belly fat, belly fat, what are they feeding you? Belly fat, belly fat, it’s not your fault!!!
Karen granted permission before I published this story.
Karen now uses a different dentist.
For your enjoyment, enjoy Smelly Cat performed in the overproduced Phoebe music video, later with Chrissie Hynde, and later with Lady Gaga.
This is hilarious! And so well written.
Still makes me laugh and cry to this day!!!!!